Vanessa Martin has studied human sexuality at Brown University and now runs YouTube channel ‘Vanessa and Xander Marin’ with her husband Xander.
Known as ‘that sex couple’, the duo provide intimate advice for people who may feel ’embarrassed about sex’.
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Vanessa has spoke about the issue of not orgasming (Getty Stock Images)
Xander considers himself a ‘regular dude’ who left his career in tech ‘once he realised it was more fun to talk about sex with his wife all day’.
In a video from earlier this year, Vanessa spoke about a simple, but effective realisation ‘that changed my sex life forever’.
“When I first started having intercourse, it involved a lot of waiting around, like waiting for my partner or for the intercourse itself to just deliver me this magical orgasm,” she began.
“Because that’s all I’d ever seen on TV and in the movies, right? Like sex just seems so effortless, so natural, so easy, except that wasn’t happening.
Psychotherapist Vanessa says she wants to help people feel ‘so embarrassed about sex’ (YouTube/Vanessa and Xander Marin)
“And I started feeling really scared and frustrated and freaked out, like my male partner was having orgasms.
“It seemed effortless and easy and straightforward for him. So what was wrong with me?
“Why wasn’t it happening for me? But then I had the realization that changed everything. I realized that orgasm actually wasn’t effortless for my male partner.
“He was actively participating in creating his own orgasm. He was getting into the positions that he liked, moving at the angles that he liked, at the pace and the depth that he liked.
“He was making his own orgasm happen. And I started thinking to myself, ‘What would sex feel like if I went after my own pleasure in that same unapologetic way?’
“So I decided to try it out, and lo and behold, that is when I started having orgasms with a partner for the very first time.
“Now I’m a sex therapist, and I want the same thing for you.
“Stop waiting around letting sex be done to you, and start having sex like a guy does you?”
According to YouGov stats from 2022, only three in ten British women (30 percent) say they orgasm every time they have sex.
Highlighting the orgasm gap between men and women, they added: “By contrast, three in five British men overall (61 percent) say they reach climax every time they have sex, with another 23 percent saying they do so on most occasions. Just 10 percent say they do so sometimes, rarely or never.”
